Case
After the release of the ‘O’ level results…..
Me: “Eh, I apply for poly okay?”
Mom: “Why??”
Me: “My friend says poly takes 3 years, but this is better than wasting 2 years in JC.”
Mom looks at Dad.
Dad: “Don’t be stupid! I will not allow this!”
Me: “But why?! Poly is more hands-on.”
Dad leaves the room in exasperation.
This is just a short conversation but it highlights quite a deal of conflict. As parents, one of the few things that could bring satisfaction is to see your child enrol in a reputable or decent school. Well, I must say, they’ve invested a lot in my education and to see me just “throw everything away” like that by contemplating a polytechnic education may be disheartening.
For myself, I never really understood why a poly education is so.. ostracised. At that point, I was really very peeved off by Dad’s reaction. He could have sat us down, and explained to me his disapproval. Sound reasoning would have easily convinced me. Nonetheless, he chose to just call me “stupid” and walk away.
Well, I’ve come to understand that he was merely unable to find a more suitable adjective to express his feelings. And I don’t blame him, not anymore.
Emotions are really the main controlling aspect of conflicts. It’s definitely not easy to remain objective when someone constantly disagrees with you, or shoots your opinions down (like what Dad did).
*Ultimately, the poly route didn’t pan out. Well, if it had, things wouldn’t turn out so beautifully the way they did.
What could have been the main reason for this conflict?
15 comments:
Hi~Thank you for sharing this story, I like the photo you posted. Its true that this scenario happened among most of parents and children, so as to me. However, obviously, I still can see that what parents done is on good purpose for you, they are sophisticated and experienced in life, worried about you in making wrong choices and regret in the future. Sometimes they too rush to make decisions for us, but forget to consider our felling and some words that make us feel like they don't care about me or generation gay existed. For this, talk to them and express our idea patiently is the best and only way to do, isn't it? We love our parents!
Yes, Zi Hao, I agree with you. They say a child is a parent's debt, and oftentimes, we make rash decisions which may hurt our parents. In order to not step on their toes,(and for them to not step on ours too much*), it's important to not only communicate effectively, but forge a strong bond and trust between both parties (:!
Hi Kristyn:) Gosh this story is quite hard to read. But you know what? Iit is great that in the end you listened to your Dad is it not? And that is why our class has you in it now. Yay:)
Coming back to your story, I deeply sympathise with your Dad because I am sure like all parents he would have wanted his smart daughter to take the conventional route to Junior College which would have helped you secure a place to University better than a Polytechnic would have. We may not want brush this fact away but it is true that more JC students get into local univerisities than Poly students. Though I am against the idea myself, we are unable to change the perception that the older generation have sadly.
I think your father may have been taken aback by your decision and that is why he may have reacted that way. Maybe you could have sat down with him and told him your decision after a meal, treading your path carefully.
Don't worry too much about it Kristyn. You are possibly where u are today thanks to your Dad as well as your other loved ones and through your own hardwork as well:)
Hi Kristyn!
Thanks for sharing with us your experience:) I can see that your dad was really concerned about your future and I'm glad that you've chosen this path without regrets:)
Like Loshini has said, I think the main reason for this conflict would be your dad's high expectations of you. Parents usually have in mind of what their children eventually grow up to be, and he could have expected you to excel and enter a good university. Your suggestion to enter a polytechnic would then have been shock to him and his disappointment could have caused him to speak a bit harshly.
I agree with you on the part of remaining objective when someone constantly disagrees with you. It is good that you did not aggravate the conflict by insisting your stand at that point. It is often wise to let both parties cool down instead of letting everything out at once.
In situations where we have contradicting views from our parents, I believe it is best to talk things over calmly in a comfortable setting. We should constantly show respect to them and take their advice into serious consideration (instead of talking back all the time) as they undoubtedly experienced more than we did.:)
@ Loshini
Yes my dear. Indeed, parents are a major influence to their children. Well, yeah. Perhaps I could have mentioned it too frivolously back then. Well, my bad. & yeah, stereotypes are immensely difficult to eliminate!
@ Eileen
Yes I agree with you Eileen! I was quite fearful of my dad, still am a little now. So naturally, I'd know when to back off. Haha. & you're right, in saying that the older generation is wiser than us. But sometimes, the life they've planned out for you may not be what you want, just like the story Mercia shared. Well, balance is key and at the end of the day, you'd have to be accountable to yourself, and those you love.
Thanks for taking time off to read my post! (:!
Thanks, Krystyn, for sharing this conflict from your home experience. You describe it quite clearly and concisely. (I'm not sure why Loshini has a hard time.) For me the characters involved are clear, as is the situation. What I think you could have done to make it clearer is to have explained why you wanted to go to poly rather than JC. After all, JC is shorter. For a non-NUS reader, that is not clear.
Also, you might have given more detail on your parents' expectations. In retrospect, why might your dad have wanted you to go to JC?
I have a question about this initial statement, too: Conflict occurs when parties involved find it tough to agree on a conclusion. >>> Must that always be focused on a "conclusion"? What about on a "beginning", or whatnot? Even your scenario doesn't seem focused on a conclusion.
Finally, identifying the main reason for the conflict isn't the same as pinpointing possible solutions using principles of interpersonal communication, per the assignment, right?
In any case, you've generated some good feedback. I appreciate all the hard work.
p.s. Sorry for misspelling your name.
Hi Kristyn!
I kind of have a similar situation. I did not even dare to think about raising the idea of going to a polytechnic to my parents because I know that they will strongly discourage me to do so.
Hm the main reason for the conflict is probably the lack of communication. You probably have thought about polytechnic as a choice long before your 'o' level results but you might not have raised this issue to your parents. They might think that the decision of wanting to go to poly is an impulse decision, and because they had wanted you to go to a JC, they had a huge reaction to it. I guess your dad wouldn't be so taken aback if both you and your dad talked about this issue way beforehand and have a couple of discussions.
Hi Kristyn!
I kind of have a similar situation. I did not even dare to think about raising the idea of going to a polytechnic to my parents because I know that they will strongly discourage me to do so.
Hm the main reason for the conflict is probably the lack of communication. You probably have thought about polytechnic as a choice long before your 'o' level results but you might not have raised this issue to your parents. They might think that the decision of wanting to go to poly is an impulse decision, and because they had wanted you to go to a JC, they had a huge reaction to it. I guess your dad wouldn't be so taken aback if both you and your dad talked about this issue way beforehand and have a couple of discussions.
hey doll. i think what you have is quite a typical singaporean scenario. the whole 'if you can afford it, you'd be crazy not to go for it.' mentality.
i feel the reason for this conflict is probably societal norms? i don't see why else he would be so overtly hostile.
actually i can't really blame him for that. i think the whole jc<poly stereotype is sort of ingrained in parents' heads thanks to how the cut-off points are.
i absolutely agree with you that he could have expressed himself better. your mother is a good example of not being thrilled by your decision but still keeping her cool and not allowing communication to break down.
well i guess you can say it worked out great for you (and for me, cause i have you lol) but well you never know right?
actually i really applaud you for knowing when to back off. i don't think i would have been able to manage my feelings as well. often when one party acts unreasonably, it warrants the other party to follow as well but thankfully you kept your cool. anyway i think you did the right thing by not pursuing the matter. with parents, sometimes when you get your way, you don't feel good about yourself when it's at the expense of your parents' happiness.
@ Brad
Actually, I did try to see things from dad's perspective. Nonetheless, it was difficult to empathise with him during the heat of the conflict. I mean, why bother to understand someone if he doesn't try to understand you? I know, this is a very selfish thought, but the point is, it diminishes the motivation to empathise.
& I do agree that conflict can occur at any point of communication. My bad, it was oversight on my part.
As for the question I posed, I was more concerned with understanding the reason(s) involved so as to better tackle the conflict. Thanks for your comments Brad!
@ Gladys
Yeah I agree, it seems that I brought the topic up too abruptly. On hindsight, it seems as though it's always 20/20. Thanks mate!
@ Ariele
Oh yes! Societal norms. Forgot all about them. Thanks for mentioning my dear! And yes, it would not have been wise to continue the argument. Guilty does set in quite a bit when it's about the two of the most important people in your life. Cheers!
Kristyn,
I admire the way you take a context of home and make an interpersonal conflict story out of it, because charity starts at home, home is where you cultivate all your lores. Make sense?
As to what Brad mentions, the goal of the story told was to ellicit solutions from us audiences, and you didn't quite attain that. However I agree to some extent that knowing the reasons of the conflict give you glimpse into what kinds of solutions would justifiably resolve a conflict. Make sense?
I'd like to think pre-conceived judgements about what constitutes good educational repertoire in your country might have influenced your father's reaction, which can't be helped I supposed. There's the eternal partition between the younger generation's way of thought and that of their much more senior. Make sense? But it is much harder to change old stalwarts who've had more time to crystalize all their belief systems, therefore I'd place the responsibility on you to exercise the interpersonal intiative to engage your dad in a way that gets him and you to understand his and your ideas about good education. Make sense? And then to come to an amicable resolution in favor of yourself wouldn't be that much of a problem if you can adequately show him that the alternate education has been grossly stereotyped, and if you can show him between your eyes that you really want badly to succeed with that sort of education path, he will know and sense it. He will give it the full support.
Great work!
I totally get the sense Caster (:
Cheers
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