UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM

FRUSTRATED
IMPATIENT
AND

AGAINST MYSELF AND EVERYTHING!

DAMN.

Sigh.. WHAT HAVE I DONE T_T.... Aihsss!!!

Damn me.

What a way to ruin my birthday.

BLAH!!

Anyways... Thx for listening to me complain and grumble and whine. <3
I really appreciate it. You helping me solve math Stuff instead of playing your game or watching tv. Sometimes... I really feel blessed to have you with me.

So you must really study for us to last!!!!! -_-v

Hoho. What a lovely couple. Aihs. I feel sweet enough just reading kor's post. Don't even need to experience it myself to feel all sugary.

I guess..Since the time table arrived, it just dawned on me that I won't have a birthday this year. Yesterday's 'birthday dinner' went quite well. But that exciting feeling that your birthday's coming wasn't there. And it will never be felt this year. Sad huh. Got a crumpler bag from kor. He always gives me bags for my birthday. The sixty dollar skirt would have saved him about a hundred bucks loh. Thx bro anyway. <3

Secret post remains covered!

No birthday lalala~
Sighs sighs sighs. See you on the battle field tmr SS!! *Grrr*

Mixed emotions are never easy to deal with.

Oh right. Thx for the skirt younger bro. =)

Sometimes hard may not be hard enough eh?
Helpless because I can't exceed my limits.
Lost because I don't know what's in for me next.
Ignored because I don't know your thoughts and feelings.
Can't you see and try to understand my demands?

LALALALALALAAAA!! WE FEEL INDIGNANT. OKYAE. BUT THIS WILL BE TEMPORARY GURL!! YOU AND I MUST JIAYOU!! Hmm..Actually, I have only myself to blame. But lalalalaa, I'd rather be 'wacky' than trying to salvage failed relationships. Okaye. So she still doesn't know it's failing but yeah. Too 'dan chun'?.. WAHA. Gossiping really does improve your 'reading b/w the lines' eh? Hellols.

Okaye. Completed my testimonial. I sort of wasted more than one hour of my time. Was chiong-ing through math, then i found out i don't really have that much holiday homework. Just 2-3 papers for every subject. So I'm gonna bake tmr! Heck my hol h/w. Lols .__. I'll still chiong them if i have the time to spare. =X

And I'm re-addicted to crossword puzzles. =D Okayes. Take care people. I will be back!
TASMANIA HERE I COMEEEE~~~~~ XD

With love <3

Well.. So I felt I had to blog before turning in.

My internet died on me earlier, so I gave it a last try on the com in the living room. And I'm here now.

Today wasn't really pleasant. My nose was leaking and that freak pain in my head just lingered. I hit it hard. But it wouldn't go away. So heck it.

Darren slept early yesterday. At around 9 plus. I was utterly surprised till I got into the room, and there he was ..feigning asleep. Then we started talking and he couldn't stop. -_-

Almost done with the packing. Yeah.

Daddy was nice. He nagged at me to switch off the air con and claimed I passed the flu to him. Hmms. I didn't loh.. But anyway, DADDY'S STILL THE BEST! <3
you weren't sensitive enough. and you weren't paying much attention, compared to the other days. it made me doubt my decision. maybe everything will come to an end afterall. i don't know. i don't wanna wish nor hope. just let everything fall in place for me.

Okaye. So some gip was bugging me to blog when I have completely nothing to blog at all. So I shall crap something..out of nothing.

Bio prac today was umm..okaye. We finished on time. =D *hi-5 aman & lalalalalaaa*
Got the photos from the guy today. Phews. Did a survey which was pretty short. Maybe I was fast. LOL. I doubt so though.

Packed today. And yes. I started packing already. =D Okaye. So lalala was right. Everything can't really fit into the luggage. So I had to put the fluffy jacket into my personal bag/hand carry. Hellols. Yeah. Nard came back yesterday. Borrowed his bag for the trip. And Weng jiejie was here too. She slept on nard's bed. In such a cool, air-conditioned environment. It was freaking scorching this afternoon. And I slept on the bus again. -_- .. I could feel my head dropping. -.-....

Take care people! =D
Don't wear mine coz you have yours. =(

Performance went well. Makeup was horrid. Lipstick sux as usual. I kinda have this phobia of applying lipstick. Since k2. It's disgusting and I can't eat nor drink water! X_X!! Lip gloss is fine though. Eye shadow should be okaye. Looked like a panda, which I'm supposed to resemble. Yan lao shi helped me with the foundation and powder. While she was applying, she said..

Lao shi: 你的脸圆圆的。很可爱。
Kristyn: *laughs* Baby fat hor lao shi? In chinese..　是宝宝坠肉？
Lao shi: 不是。。是婴儿肥
Kristyn: LOLs!

Sickening headache just lingers. And that should be abt all for today.

Ah gong's birthday celebration was fine. The cake was nice. Just a little too sweet for me.



Bought last minute from some random shop - temptations. Yummy.

Nothing pretty much happened today. Although I've read an article abt an elitist society. And this phrase has been lodged in my mind since..

Hyper competition and constant comparison. Yeah. No doubt, this sux. And seriously, success needs to be redefined.

And I was just joking when I said NO more msn, sms and stuff. Everything needs to be done in moderation. =]

Okaye. Results weren't that fantastic. They were my worst in secondary sch life. That's utterly bad. And I promise, this is going to be the worst I'm gonna do ever. EVER! Okaye. I was moody, kinda high to make myself forget abt the terrible results. And not forgetting, learning those rubber band tricks from Shao. Self-infliction. LOLs. Just a momentary get away. And there were marks. Gone now I suppose.

Everything turned out to be much better than what I had expected. Although there were the occasional pissing off. Mummy didn't reprimand me. Maybe coz she sort of exploded yesterday night with her words. I don't know. But I'm glad. I had other commitments during the exam period. But all in all, I'm the one at fault. I know I suck. But I'm like this. Just that stupid. Math and the sciences can be studied for. Humanities and English.. If I'm like that, some idiot who just can't read too deep into the words, it just proves that I'm stupid. So yeah. Self consolation.

But I'll try much harder the next time. I've tried very hard this round. Just..not hard enough eh? THE C AND Bs WILL VANISH ON THE NEXT RESULT SLIP. I PROMISE. So. Have to really get rid of those distractions.

Mummy said. She's not giving me much freedom anymore. Till after the 'O's. I felt relieved.

No more guild gatherings.
No more hanging out with guild members.
No more..msn, sms..and talking on the phone. So yeah. I'll probably vanish for a while. And this blog..may just remain stagnant. So yeah.

Gtg find a recipe for the correct way of roasting a chicken. So..taz.

#Take care Shao. Just try a lil' harder. Prove it to your mum that your attitude rox! <3

My freedom is sealed.

I'm back. Cont..

Yeah. A person with all/most of the outsides you've always wanted doesn't mean the insides are as beautiful and glamorous/charming. Where there are good points, there are bound to be bad points too. It's balanced. Like husband and wife, cat and dog. Yin and yang.

Some pple may just be so obsessed with another's gd points and neglect the bad points. Some other pple may also just be so freaking fussy with a person's bad points, and overlook the gd points. I'm stuck in the middle. I acknowledege your gd points but the bad points are standing out. Like my own freaking impatience and lousy grades. Like.. Her annoyance and immaturity.

Maybe I'm just that kind of person.

Okaye. I flunked SS. Now that's bad. Very. Got me moody the first half of the day. CRAPPED up. I'm so dead. I'm utterly disappointed and disappointing. But,..I'm gonna tell myself what I've told my friends. Treat the mid-years as stepping stones. To success during the prelims..and a GREATER success for the 'O's. And..a GIGANTIC success for the 'A's.

And I'm extremely disappointed in 4/1. Today..your behaviour just tells me I've not done enough. Or you gurls are disobliging. Uncooperative. And I thought 4/1 was somewhere there. Where did the strong class bond and spirit fly to? Or did it disintegrate? Charissa said we can never be there. I know. But at least, be somewhere near there. Today just tells me..we're so far from even reaching our goal. Really pissed with the class today. I know you all are fretting over the results. But, it's not the end of the world. [though Ariele says it's near >_>] Have faith in yourselves and just try your best next time. Life is definitely not revolving only around studying and academic results. Of course, academic results are a bonus. A pleasant one.

Okaye. Talked to steph earlier. Troubled gurl. I know. Coz I'm not here that often in your life right? =D Waha. So..we chatted. And it made me think again. Hellols.

I'm a greedy gurl. Yes I am. I expect a lot from myself as well as others. People whom I love. I want them to be.. near 'perfect'. Of course, that's so freaking impossible. But I'm like this. Maybe I'm not matured enough to accept people for who they are. I can't help but think there are people out there who are better.
Better than you..and also me.
That's why..Mummy says..keep your options open. That's why I'm not steady. Not stable. Searching for people who have all the outsides. I've neglected the insides. Yeah. Whatever appears on the surface is no doubt important. So are the insides.

Hmm..Gotta go bathe. Sending daddy off later. Shall continue this post later.

Taz.

I AM HIGH ON CAPS AGAIN. OKAYE.

#1: THANK YOU SO MUCH MUMMY FOR THAT BEAUTIFUuuuuuL OVEN! MUACKSS! THANKS FOR YOUR LOVE AGAIN. I CAN FEEL IT MUCH CLEARLY NOW. =D

#2: OKAYE. SO I CAN'T HIDE MY FEELINGS. NEITHER CAN I HIDE MY EMOTIONS. I'M DIRECT. AND I LIKE IT. IF I DON'T LIKE YOU, I'LL JUST TELL YOU "I DON'T" STRAIGHT INTO YOUR FACE. SO YEAH. MAY BE KINDA INSENSITIVE..BUT YEAH. SORRY IF I'VE HURT ANYONE WITH MY STRAIGHTFORWARD-NESS.

#3: HMM...OH YEAH. THX DARREN! FOR HELPING ME CARRY THE OVEN HOME WITH THT..UMM..BU NAI FAN DE BIAO QING. THX ANYWAY. I'LL SPONSER YOUR EARRINGS. AND THE PIERCING. =D

#4: OH! HEARD NARD'S VOICE AFTER A LONG LONG TIME. MISSED MY BIG BRO FOR ONCE. AND HE'S COMING BACK ON SUNDAY. I CAN'T SLEEP IN COOL AIR THEN. =(

#5: DADDY LOVES THE BELT MUMMY BOUGHT HIM. IT WAS CUTE. IT HAD THAT BUFFALO AS THE BUCKLE. SWEET. =D

I LOVE MY FAMILY! WO YOU YI GE HEN HEN HEN XING FU DE JIA TING! =D

Many spotlights today. Towards the end of my journey for today. I need my personal pillar and table. Make sure it's strong. Sturdy. And..umm..STRONG. Heh.. .__.

I've endured the journey home. Could KO any time. But yeah. I survived. Thanks to the caffeine I reached for the first thing I entered the kitchen. >_>

Today isn't really that kinda day that I could cheer for. There was no light till I reached home and switched the laptop on. Then. A spotlight shone. And another. And I believe, some more will shine in the later part of today. =]

I've misunderstood. But yeah. The past can never be earned no matter how hard you try; how much you do. It can't be changed either. It can only be recollected.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Words which you can and cannot say.
Feelings which you can and cannot express.
Ideas which you can and cannot convey.
Parts of your soul which can and cannot be revealed.

Life is just so full of 'can's and 'cannot's, 'do's and 'dont's. Those are the little spices which make life more interesting I guess.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do pple cling so hard onto those who created beautiful memories for themselves? They should learn to let go. I don't mean fully of course, but slowly. Let those very special pple be one of the pieces which make up a 5000-piece jigsaw.

People are never apart.
They are a part.

And yes. I think with structure.

Everything happens for a reason.

Reasons are meant to be accepted.

Reasons are inexplicable.

They need not need to be understood.

For the sake of Bella, who MAY just drift past this blog;

I'M LIVING MY DECISIONS.

MY LIFE FEELS SO WRONG AND WEIRD. SINCE LIFE IS BUILT FUNDAMENTALLY ON DECISIONS, ARE MY PAST DECISIONS WRONG? I HAVE NO REGRETS WHATSOEVER. HONESTLY. IT IS THAT EVERY SMALL, INSIGNIFICANT DECISION EVERY DAY WHICH BUILDS MY CHARACTER. AND THE NUMBER OF DECISIONS MADE JUST GROWS.. UNTIL THEY BECOME A PART OF YOU. THEY ARE IRREVERSIBLE. THOSE LITTLE STEPS. THOSE WORDS WHICH CAME OUT OF MY MOUTH. EVERY TURN. THEY'RE ALL DECISIONS.

DECISIONS WHICH ULTIMATELY DETERMINE WHO I AM TO BECOME. AND NOW. I'M LIVING THE CONSEQUENCE OF THEM. I'VE MADE THE DECISION TO THINK, THINKK, AND THINKKK. AND I'M IMMERSED IN UNHAPPINESS. CONSEQUENCE #1. I'M NOT UPSET. JUST NOT HAPPY EITHER. THINKING TOO MUCH DOESN'T REALLY HELP. ESPECIALLY IF THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU AND YOUR THOUGHTS JUST START FLOWING. IT MAKES YOU THINK OF UNREALITIES. THEN. YOU GET YOUR EMOTIONS GOING STRONG. AND BE CAREFUL. THEY AREN'T POSITIVE. I SHALL STOP MY THOUGHTS NOW. 1.52PM.

WHY IS EVERYTHING SO DIFFERENT FROM WHAT I HAD ENVISIONED?

It's nice to look back and read through your past thoughts. I won't call it obsession. Just a strange urge to read this post again.

Read the review section earlier in ST. Picked this out [in my own words]:

People without power are more careful and cautions. Humble and modest.
People with power are arrogant. Green lights everywhere for them. They don't give a damn about others. Insensitive peeps. They should really slow down; and face the fact that amber and red lights do exist.

Okaye. Random. But I think that article makes great sense. However, once that is processed through those crappy brain cells of mine, it becomes almost nonsensical. Lol.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Not everything works the same for everyone. 人往往忽略"药到病除"的前一句.."对症下药". Tackle problems with solutions. Accurately. Using a solution or heeding an advice which doesn't address a particular problem may kill. Worsen things. It's similiar to using the wrong remedy for an ailment. It can really kill.

An inappropriate solution which doesn't kill doesn't help either. The equivalent of using an antibiotic to counter a virus. Useless. A waste of resources.

Be wise. Decide what is best. For yourself. For everyone. Or, at least, the majority. I have no motive in blogging abt this today. I don't need a motive, do I? It may be useful in the future. But impertinent now.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A math was fine. Physics didn't go too well. Okaye, so I haven't checked the paper.

Mr Chan: Kristyn Neo! You didn't do very well this time.

I know I didn't do well. Lols..Once he said that..This B just floated in front of me..everywhere. Above me, and inside me. Ha. Needless to say, I'm dead. X_X!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And I've heard about a book through the radio. Which talks about children and their inquisitiveness.

1. Does butter come from butterflies?
2. ........

Okaye. So I only remembered one. But when I was young, I used to think, if you swallow watermelon seeds, a watermelon plant would grow outta ur head. 90 deg above you. Gosh. X_X

So it is just a facade. But I can feel it peeling off soon..bit by bit. Everything takes time. Like what I've said..

Time heals everything, even the deepest scars and darkest spots. Though not completely.

And people live on their decisions, I just can't emphasise enough on this. But yeah, I love this phrase. Everything lies within you. If you insist on turning left, no one can force you to turn right, go straight or reverse..or fly up..or go down.

Just let this incident be embedded deeply onto this facade.. At least, let me fake my way through it and force myself to believe it will be over. Or..IT IS OVER. Pretense or not, it's up to me to decide. Just help me by not mentioning this in front of me again pls. Thank you.

Why are there so many serums, products out there which can help to lighten or remove scars externally? Or perhaps even laser? But yet, I've not found one that can help me lighten/remove those scars..or at least, heal the wounds on that fragile pumping muscle which keeps you alive. I bet you.. I'll buy it no matter how expensive it costs.

Dinner was cold coz I had to rush my report. I was eating to live. Anyway, I'm trying my best to forget. Maybe everything will be back to normal soon, at least by this sat. The past weekend was the worst. I'm not talking sense. It's jumbled. Just let everything in my head flow through and be expressed.

It takes a few hundred thousand men to build the Great wall, many of whom have died.
But it only takes a mother to build a happy family.

Keep this in my head. Please ring inside this crapped up brain of mine so my thoughts won't flow that far. It's going.. But let me at least, put an end to all these.

How I wish I can tell my mum..

Mummy, I've done the most I could. What you wanted.. I gave up for your sake. I didn't betray your trust or whatever. But the feeling can't be gotten rid of. It's internal. And you can't see it. Maybe you'll be able to feel it, since you're my mum afterall. You trusted me, I did what I could for mummy's sake. You told me to. But now, I trusted and respected you; What you wanted. But I don't feel the respect you're supposed to give me.. as a human being. I'm your daughter dude. Okaye fine.

I NOW DECLARE: IT'S OVER. BLAH LA LA.

Wake up call today from my Eng teacher. Got back my e-math paper which was 4 days before schedule. God. Lucky for me, I survived that. Waha. Yes. And I admit I've not done enough for my English. I want it so badly, yet I'm not doing much. I AM doing something, just not enough. She's right. 4/1 this year is the worst 4/1 she has ever taught. Attitude problem. I got freaked out. I asked her if my character was bad. I was so freaking worried. But phews, she told me I'm ok, I'm good. I was glad. I'm gonna push myself harder. *BRING ME THE PAPERS!!*

Oh.. Lastly..
People should not be relying on beauty for self-worth and confidence because beauty fades. It comes from the inside. (:

I LOVE MY MUMMY. =D

All that I've thought abt in the train is useless. All that I intended to blog about just didn't come out. It's about nothing but the trust. The faith that not only mothers should have in their child. It is the faith between human beings. It just isn't there.
Now I do feel worse. You just don't get it.
.nursraetehtteL

Okaye. So my mood did take a drastic turn. It just did. Yeah. And now, my music looks as if it's gonna give up on me. Damn..

Okaye. Happy Mother's Day to all the mums on earth. This mother's day was not nice. Not at all. It wasn't what I thought it would be like. Kissing my mum on her cheek in the morning and giving her a tight hug. NO. It didn't happen this way.

Okaye. So my mum didn't trust me at all. She had so little faith in her freaking daughter. By asking such a freaking ridiculous question, part of my heart just shattered. I was angry initially. It was painful. How could she? .. Ask such a damned question like that. YOUR DAUGHTER IS STILL FREAKING STUCK AT 15. I mean.. I bet you. No other mum would even think of asking her daughter that. SO THIS IS MY REAL MUM EH? Crap. I know she's concerned. But it just puts me off.

*chants: she means well..she means well..*

Everything is suddenly black. I crawled back into this tiny world of mine earlier. But I managed my way out. Now..I feel like going back in. Away from all these thoughts, all these feelings. What I really need now is nothing. Absolutely nothing but music. Let me escape for a while..

Got this from a friend's blog. Quite true for some cases. I've edited it a lil'..So..enjoy?

Can't you see he's the reason she's crying.
Well that's what keeps her trying,
she knew that she could have you
and he doesn't give her what she wants.
But when you see him with her,
he doesn't even care at all.

My friend's a pessimist..Since.. p3?..Hmms..Anyway.

How about being the reason for her smile? Her laughter?
For lighting up her world?
All these keep her going.
He tried hard to give her what she wants..
Whenever they're together, he's always thinking of areas to improve on..
Thinking of ways to make her happier..

But..are all these appreciated? I guess my friend needs to ask herself that.
Which side are you on?
..erauoysselnuteytsujogemgnitteltniauoyzocogtelottluciffidtonsiti

Everything has ended.
As much as I am unwilling to, I have to.
You know I won't and I can't defy; I won't and I can't follow my heart under such circumstances.
That 10% of my world..was once dark. Then, it was coloured .. And now, it's black again.
My dream came true, and now, it has to go.
Now, it's not you anymore. It is they and them..
Maybe.. This end marks another new beginning. A start to what? I'm not sure..but I can feel it.
We have ended.
But it will return.
I choose to believe in you and I..

Okaye. So the previous tagboard was like...under maintainence. -.-...

And my dad woke me up so early in the morning. Grr..>_> He told me there was food outside. Breakfast. So I reluctantly got outta bed. Went to wash my face. Then he told me we're going out for breakfast. -_____- ... Made me wake up so early for fish seh..Aiseh..Nvm. -.-ll In the end, told him darren and I were gonna make our way to tampines ourselves. But mummy is coming home to change and we'll go together. Oh crap! I HAVEN'T GOT ANYTHING FOR HER. I've been cracking my brain cells over the past..umm..one week? Thinking of what to get her. Gosh..No more brain juice le. Die lah.. Anyway, let's get straight to the point.

Okaye. So I do have a motive. Why do my parents always compare my results with my friends? And they're the smarter ones.. -.- Everytime, When I scored what I think is darn good, they'll ask "So what did Amanda get?"... Then when I say she scored better..they give me the ..umm.. that face. Don't know what face lah, but got expression de. LOL. Then when I do badly.. I'll tell them "But I'm not the only one loh..Only a few pple pass leh.." ; And then..I'll be interrupted..Daddy will say "So what? I don't care about them kae. You're my daughter.."

Whenever I do badly, they don't compare. When I do fine, they compare. Wth? Humans are not created to be compared with. Everyone is unique, special. If you wanna compare, there's no basis of comparison. Why blame me? Amanda could have the better genes and brain cells. So.. Is it my fault that I lack the 'intelligent gene'? Hmm..okaye. I'm diverting. Heh...

Comparison only damages the self esteem of a person. It'll constantly prompt him to think that he just sux. Big time. BIGGER. It'll just kill his confidence. And then,... He'll be living in the shadows of others. Comparison is useless. It kills the trust we have. It kills the faith I thought you've always had in me. But of course, mummy is there to say.. "Nvm, at least you've tried right?" ..Which always makes me feel much much better. <3

2 different pple, 2 different backgrounds, 2 different personalities, 2 different ways of thinking, 2 different kinds of feelings, 2 different attitudes, 2 different mindsets. People are meant to be different. If everyone were to be that perfect daughter/gf/bf.. Then, everything you've set for her can be easily achieved. What's her motive in life then? Obstacles can easily be triumphed upon. No kick seh! So perfect for what? Fish? There'll be nothing to be picky abt. Life/ Relationships without arguments. Waseh. Might as well go die. Mei qing qu.

Okaye. That was a load of pure crap. Anyway, personalities undergo 'evolution'.. and changes. Isn't our final aim to become near perfect? From some idiot who knows nothing. At the end of the day, what matters the most..is whether we're happy. That's my aim for everyday I live.
The only thing which doesn't stop changing is change.

Oh. Forgot to mention. It's not over. It never really was, for us. =] Kor's right. There was a start. You have to feel it. Not think about it. I'm bad at feeling. Yeah. I'm one insensitive @ss. Lols..
Sorry. I never knew I could hurt you so bad. I never knew I meant this much to you. I've always thought your previous gfs were as good..or better. I've always thought you can get over a relationship. It just takes time to calm down and think logically. And perhaps move on?.. I've always thought you will be able to find someone better, someone who loves you more than I do.. Someone who doesnt use her brain to feel.. I never knew a breakup hurts as much as this. I predicted I would be the reason for everything. And yes I am. I'm sorry, very sorry for whatever happened yesterday. Sorry for shattering your heart yesterday.
I'm glad it's over.. I mean. Yesterday's crap's over. OVER.
For us, I'll make it last for as long as I can. I hope that means forever. If forever does exist. <3

Everything came and left in a mere 24 hours. That shock which sparked off a series of CRAP was horrifying. Lol? My brain cocked up yesterday. So sorry darling. T_T And today, it was another instantaneous shock on the train which countered that first forceful shock. It was like a nerve impulse. It sux-ed. I mean the first one sux-ed. The 2nd one rox. XD

Met kor at Dover and we took 74 to hougang. Now. That umm..45 minute bus ride was power seh. Erm..I mean.. It was very enlightening. =D Kor's right.

"You don't think to love."

Yea. That has been what I was doing. Thinking all the time. For fish? Yea. Fish. Right.. I was wrong. Very wrong. Yes. I may be afraid of the future. But to a little extent. Everything just lies with me. I was the reason for all that has happened. Those disgusting problems, those tears shed. All because of me. Yes. And I suck. Badly. Big time. Woosh~! My brain's dominating my heart. I'm not gonna let it do so anymore. Never! WAHAHA! ._.

It's on and off. Kor says it's meant to be like this. Relationships are supposed to be this way. I don't know. I'm some inexperienced toot. Ha. >_> Anyways.. Thx darling. For being my shade from the sun. For pushing my head backwards everytime the bus jerked forward. XD

I was selfish.
I was too demanding.
I was too freaking concerned about the future. Maybe I still am. X_X
Oh. And thx kor for teaching me how to feel without thinking. =]
I know everyone knows 'being unprepared' was just an excuse.
I bound my heart tightly with my brain.
I never knew you meant this much to me..
I'm glad I didn't let go.

It's over. Isn't it?

Blasting music again. Hoping it can do something to overwhelm this feeling. Of not being able to let go totally. As much as I can't bear to do so, I have to. Coerce myself to do so. An end marks another new start. Doesn't it? There isn't an end. 'Cause there wasn't a start to begin with. It wasn't a proper start. Was it? I don't know. I only know that..Today's the worst day of my life. For as long as I can remember.

Made this decision. I've let you down. I'm sorry. Very sorry. Maybe things will change in the future. This future may be tomorrow,..or... a few days/weeks/years later. God knows. I'm really sorry for being so selfish. I've just realised how selfish I actually am. How selfish love can actually be. All this that I've experienced.. Just tells me how much I don't understand what I've always thought I knew so clearly.

And I'm beginning to question what I've done. I'm not very prepared to commit. I have no confidence to do so. It's very unstable. The heart is wavering so badly. The longer a relationship is, the more difficult it is to let go. Draw a close to it, lest the scar gets embedded too deeply.

I hate myself for being so selfish.
I hate myself for agreeing on that day.
I hate myself for giving you hope.
I hate myself for hurting you so bad.
I hate myself for destroying that hope and faith you had in me.
I hate myself.

Friends do last longer. Let's just be friends for the time being; friends who can last for life.
I ruined 2 relationships today. One of which was beautiful. Yes. And I do suck.

Did I own myself today?