What's my true source of motivation..?

MY Expectations?
MY parents' expectations?
Competition?
Sense of achievement at the very end of the road?
Ambition?

blah ah ah.

How random it occurred to me.

Sians! + Sighs.

Less than 24 hours. 17 ++ hours more to endure.

And just now I just managed to gained tht bit of confidence dear blog..
And then I destroyed that glimmer .
Ironic.
I was just putting together all my ''lucky charms''.
Then .. I placed half of what I had gathered back into that box.
All my badges. Key chains.
How .. So..
Oh oh oh. I don't know how to continue.

Just feelin' myself sinking. My being - heavy.
Argh ugh eek.

WALALA.
COME WHAT MAY.
There's nothing much to keep myself occupied.
Sick and tired of mugging and dvd.
Chat chat chat. No one.
Only you dear blog!
Glad you're always here with me (:
[so cheesy]
LOL.

>FC; take care take care (=

Just move on.
Life suffers defeat and whatever doesn't kill you will only make you stronger.

No more pinning on high hopes.

Dear blog!

Sigh Sigh sigh.

My finger feels so fake.
The bad skin just wouldn't vanish. Pif.

Went to visit ah ma yesterday.
Still doesn't recognise me.
Ah wells.
And when she asked if ah gong were at home,
I seriously honestly didn't know how to reply.
Tell her Ah gong's very happy in heaven or not to?
I pondered for a while, stunned.
In the end, I told her I didn't know.

Ok. That's enough.
Everyone's practically mugging!
Aha!!
Well well, I shouldn't be just because of the fact that
my fate's still undecided.
THE BIG BIG DAY - THURSDAY.
LOL.
Can't wait seh.
To know the results.
To know where my ''effort'' will bring me.

The sky won't be blue for long.

Escapism is still worse than making the wrong decision.

Okaye. I've decided to let you, dear blog, meet more people!

Aha.

Life has been a mixture a emotions recently.

Stress from the soon to be released O lvl results.

Fate undecided. Not yet.

The fear of having to leave these wonderful peeps.

The perpetual teasing from OG mates, ESP KONG! Grr.. -_-

Random people who make me feel darn insulted and indignant.
Damn you 2!! =x
How have I offended those 2 seh.

Ahs. Ugh. Crap!

Letting out is always healthy.

Only if you let out everything.

Not thinking too much is very healthy for the mind too. And the heart of course.

But I haven't reached such a realm yet.

Ahssss!!!!

Yeah. That's about all the troubles I had yesterday.

Indeed. Sorry no cure.

Gosh. I'm always such a selfish disappointment.

Condemning myself or whtever won't change anything now.

My words may very well just become excuses. worse, crap.

LEtting you down. Again. Over and over again.

To be honest, letting you down makes me feel like a bastard.

But.. of course, you're not the only one in my heart.

My parents. Their high expectations.

And of course myself.

My conscience and crap.

Both sides of my hand.

I have to choose between the both of them.

letting down either one is inevitable.

letting down either one would of course, make me feel guilty and like an asshole to the other.

life. Decisions.

after saying all these nonsense, I just wanna say..

I do cherish you a lot. As a good friend. I don't want our relationship to ruin the chances of us becoming good friends.

The choice is yours now.

I've decided. Now your turn.

Oh god oh god..
I screwed my interview yesterday and today, screwed my trials.
HAHA.
means i'm fated to be devoted to med society.
blah..but it won't look very good on my testimonial right..
grr.
wanna join another cca but..
sighs..
cybergamin's out.
photo soc. maybe.
grahh..
X_X
tired as usual.
played captain's ball today.
the opponents were outnumbered.
blah. win also bu shuang.
-_- going to ecp tmr with my dear OG! =D
aihs..
the past few days..just when i was trying to settle down.
new environment.
after the wake and everything. tuning back to the right freq aint as easy as i thought it was.
and you had to make everything more difficult. ):
harping on the same thing..for like..the past 3-4 days or so.
it makes me feel damn sian.
later you piss me off then you know.
as in..literally off..away.
to someone else.
LOL. lala.
eyes hurt..morning, night.
so stupid to be like..xxxing for crap loh. like just..over stupid stuff.
oh god oh god.. i've said wht i wanted to say yesterday.
blah.
degrading.. if it weren't for words other pple say, i won't even speak bad things abt myself. i love myself a lot ok. but i love others more. <3
criticism... not everyone can take it easy. esp from someone so dear.
i've tried and tried and it's like..you're telling me i have to be really perfect.
have to get it right. fully correct.
it makes me more sian and tired.
from the way you scold me to the way you're nagging me to do this do that.
it just says a big BE PERFECT right into my damn face.
change.
who doesn't change?
if you don't.. i feel sorry man. carrying the same old personality, habits, attitude for ur whole darn life?
tht's like really sad.
exposure to pple makes me change.
maturity. and at the same time being young at heart after aging.
everything changes and the only thing which doesn't = change itself.
my saying nonsense . to you = crap. To me = seriousness.
when i'm pissed/angry/upset, i say all those.
when i'm sick of your words, i say more of them.
when i cannot tolerate;
when i want you to be happy.

i seriously don't see how being with me, scolding me, getting pissed with me make you happy or wht.

ah wells.
tht's all.